Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Home

Wednesday (10:47 p.m)
July 26th, 2006

I just got myself out of bed at 10:15 a.m. I had to buy a new fan because my last one burnt up (motor), and I finally received it yesterday. I had the fan blowing on me all night, with the jazz station playing softly, and I slept better than I have in over 2 months.

I watched a couple of deer grazing in the field outside the perimeter fence last night for a little while before I went to bed.

I like being able to see the kind of woods that are like the ones where I'm from. It is probably due to the fact that I'm only 2 counties north of Seven Lake Hollow. So close, yet so far away! Almost 2 decades removed.

Debbie lives "up the holler", and she knows what it means to "come home". It's the smell, the hills, and the laid back attitude of the community. I'd be just as comfortable where she lives as she would be at Seven Lake Hollow.

It's strange to sit here and know that I will probably never see "home" again, yet allow myself to entertain such thoughts. I want to feel the bark of a tree, grass beneath my barefeet, moss on a stone, and smell the earth. It's a primal need in me, and I feel like something less than "living" without it. It's very hurtful to my soul. There's a REASON why we find the sounds of nature to be soothing; ocean surf and seagulls, babbling brooks, crickets/toads/frogs chriping, birds singing, rain and thunder...these are the things we take quiet notice of as participants of life, and being separated from these things for 17 years is a punishment that leaves me feeling less than alive.

(10:07 p.m)

Getting ready to send this out to Debbie. She's headed to South Carolina for a week at the beach, so I need to get this out. She's sending me $20.00 so I can order some real food from the fund drive/food sale for charity. Chili-cheese fries, onion rings and shrimp. It'll be delivered on August 16th...Jeffrey's birthday, and the one year anniversary of his death.

I remember saying that I wished a year would pass so I could be removed from all that pain last year. I feel I've moved on, and I'm doing well, but I still carry the scars, and I know I always will...but, I'll be okay.

'nite!

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