Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Citizens for Swift Justice

Tuesday October 11th 2005
10.20 pm
I’ve tried to write, and I’ve thrown 10-15 pages in the trash. Call it self-censorship… but I have my reasons; #1) I could be put in the hole for "threats" and #2) I refuse to give power to the negative feelings I’ve been harbouring. I will include a poem (?) I wrote, but I’ll leave the rest in the trash bin.
I’ve considered to stop the blogs, along with everything else. My life has turned to shit, and I am afraid of the feelings I have. I’m afraid I won’t bounce back from one of these bouts of depression. I feel like I’m being strangled by hopelessness and despair. I often (very often) consider ending my appeals. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be my own man, I have some kind of opposition there to knock me back down. This time, it’s going to make me hurt someone’s feelings… deeply. But, they’re suffocating EVERYTHING in my life, and I have to walk away before I totally bug the fuck out and get myself in a deeper hole than I’m in.
This is why I haven’t written, also! Too much truth can be a bad thing, and get me in tons of shit.
I haven’t painted or drawn ANYTHING! Doesn’t seem to be worth my time. Besides, I can’t afford to send it out to anyone, so why do it?
I worked out last night until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want to try to write, because I’d just write out my trouble, and toss it in the trash. So, I did curls (biceps) and backarm presses (triceps) until I couldn’t do anymore. I’m sore as hell today, but I’ll do it again before I go to bed tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll work out all day, and run (in place) for as long as I can.
I still have 2 letters to answer from last week; "Baston" and "New Bedford" (Massachusetts)… and I got tons of mail today; my cousin, "Sweden Med Stu", "Texas W.R.", copies of the most recent blogs (from "Ohio") and a newsletter from "Florida Support". 25 handwritten pages from my cousin, "Texas W.R.", and "Sweden Med Stu"… 16 pages from "Sweden Med Stu". It was great to sit and read mail for 2 hours. (Took me an hour to read all of my blogs + the newsletter)
"Texas W.R."’s letter smelled SO GOOD! I don’t know what kind of perfume she uses, but it smells "clean"… that’s the best way I can describe it. She really cracked me up. I drew a picture for her in my last letter to describe something to her, and her comment made me laugh out loud. I just wish I had a photo to show her… she’d DIE! (*grin*) She probably thinks I’m exaggerating, but the truth is as disgusting as my drawing, which makes it that much funnier to me.
"Sweden Med Stu" wrote 16 pages, but most of it was blogs about her day. The really cool thing is that I’m there in her mind all day, everyday. She writes while commuting to and from classes, and it makes me feel alive. She strokes my um………………… ego! (smile) She told me about how she first came to write to me, and how it changed the way she thought about things. Here’s an excerpt from her letter: "… I quickly found truth, life and dignity in you, and us. For that, I am forever grateful to you. You said in your blog it’s been a privilege to see ME grow, but I must tell you that you inspire me to be a better person. You make me aware of the important things in life, and it’s the most precious gift I can ever get from you."
Good ripples, right?
Me?! The man deemed unfit to live by a jury of my peers? Surely, she MUST be mistaken, right? What good can there be in a condemned man?
I love this girl’s mind + heart. Here is someone that makes this world a better place. Here is a young lady with her head and heart in the right place. And, if I’m to be executed, I’ll know my love will continue to make good ripples in this world. She makes me feel like I MATTER!!! And, I DO…. to her! Gotta love that, right?
As for my cousin, she’s going through a heartache… and there are kids at stake in it… so, I’, needed there, too. She and I could always talk, and that’ what her letter was about; leaning on me, and talking out her problems. We’re a lot alike in that aspect. She’s a very independent person… very strong person. She’s just like her mother. She’ll be okay, as soon as we talk out her options.
Well, I’m gonna go to bed, it’s late. I’ve been re-reading all of their letters. It brought me out of my depression. This one lasted for about 10-15 days… that’s not good!
‘nite ya’ll!
Duke
Demons and Reason
By "Duke" Palmer
Woke up today and found myself in a prison cell.
Just like yesterday, and every day
for the past sixteen years in this concrete hell.
Every night I pray to wake from this fucked up dream,
here I chase my past, and look for love at last,
tasting tears in a silent scream.
Tears flow into the scream, and it tastes like venom. Poisoned dreams flow in and out of reality, and my reality is a nightmare. Alone. Abandoned. Forgotten. The volume of the voice in my head gets louder and louder, and I hate what it tells me. I’m afraid of it… of my own mind speaking to itself… of itself. It tells me the tears are the poison escaping my wretched soul, because of the hatred for those who’ve crucified my love for them. And the dreams are only the reality I wish inflicted upon those teachers of treachery and deceit, for the gift of my pain.
I’m a cold sweat, I woke to reason, in the early hours before dawn. Reason tells me to still the voices. That reality is a state of mind. Nightmares are only fears you allow yourself to believe. That I sent my love into a void, expecting the void to give what it doesn’t have to give. The only love I lost was the love I gave… I’ve only myself to blame. I received exactly what a void has to offer; nothing. Reason tells me to call back my love, keep it within me, and the one worthy of it will seek it out.
Yeah, right… whatever
Wednesday October 12th 2005
10.59 am
I froze my ass off last night. I put my blanket out to be washed, and I slept with just a sheet to cover up with. It must’ve only been about 45-50o Fahrenheit in here this morning. Someone’s going to die of hypothermia before they turn the heat on! (They have to keep the airconditioning turned on, or the heat… otherwise, it’ll get damp in here.)
Anyway, they didn’t wash laundry today… so it’ll be ANOTHER night without a blanket! (THIS SUCKS!)
I’ll spend the rest of the morning, up to suppertime (5.30 pm), answering these letters. I won 13 stamps in a card game, plus the $ 5 I borrowed from Kenny to get IN the game. Now, I have postage for U.S. letters, and $ 15 of commissary (hygiene items) to use for card games. I HATE living like this… but I’ll do hat I HAVE to do! Reduced to nothing… welcome to MY world! When it’s time for everyone to order from the commissary, I’ll ask if anyone is buying the items I have, and sell them for the same amount or cheaper, and get some more legal pads and stamps.
My life sucks! Oh well!
Later!
11.53 pm
I received the most lovely letter today from a nameless + faceless member of Citizen’s For Swift Justice. A copy of which will be posted on here in its entirety. The sender was courteous enough to put a return address on it, and (of course) it’s a P.O. Box in New York, even though it as postmarked in Memphis, Tennessee. I hope the DW at the heading is this person’s initials, because I’d like to address this person directly! But, my words would only seem self-serving, and portray me as a "typical convict" in their eyes… and would only be the subject of ridicule amongst these breeders of hatred.
So, I have my first request for those of you in opposition to the death penalty, or in opposition to those who would like to bypass the system that ensures a safe verdict, and makes sure innocent people are not murdered, despite the ignorance of citizens’ wishes; I’d like to see this letter answered by anyone who thinks I have ANYTHING worth sharing with the world! I’d like this hatred answered with 1,000 letters of love an respect and peaceful intelligence. I would like this blog, and this person’s letter sent out to every anti-death penalty group in the world, and have just this one person’s hateful voice drowned out with love. This person made the mistake of asking 2 questions; #1) I’m curious, what on earth can you possibly share with the world? …and, #2) Why not drop your appeals and be a man for a change?
I’ll leave that first question to be answered by anyone who believes I have something to share with the world… but, I WILL answer the 2nd question!
ANSWER: Why not give up? The guy who was arrested DID give up! He gave up his hatred. He gave up drugs and alcohol. He gave up on true justice, because it does not exist in the U.S.. He gave up the right to raise his children. He gave up listening to preachers of hate. And, he gave up his heart to the Lord Jesus Christ, despite his mischievous and sinful nature. He’ll continue to give up his sins to be nailed to a cross 2000 years ago. And, tonight, he’ll give up a prayer for you.
However, he won’t give up his love, his forgiveness, his wisdom, or the forgiveness of his sins that he has been granted through Jesus Christ, his Lord an Saviour. And, he won’t give up trying to be a better person… nor the life given to him by God the Father.
And, despite your request, he won’t give up on you becoming a better person.
God loves you! And, so do I!
As for the first question, those of you compelled to answer it for me, please address your letters to;
CFSJ-DWP.O. Box 170103
Ozone Park, NY 11417
And be sure to specifically state that it is in response to the citizen who wrote to "DUKE" on Ohio’s Death Row, and mailed the letter from Tennessee!
Please circulate this letter and this blog to everyone that you believe may write a letter!
I have been honest in my blogs, and I let everyone, and anyone, see me for who I am… the good, the bad and the sinfulness of my nature. I’m only a man. Please let love win this argument.
As for the statement on the Ohio District Attorney’s website, I have a challenge for them! Print any portion of my trial transcripts that say I was anything other than a passenger in ANY of the vehicles in the accident! Any portion that says I dumped ANYTHING in a nearby field. That I robbed ANYONE, OR confessed to ANY of these things to the police or ANYONE ELSE for that matter!
Trial transcripts are available at the Belmont County Courthouse for a cost. Ask for the CLERK OF COURTS!!!
False prophets will NEVER bring true justice without telling the truth! They spin the truth, and the facts, into false perceptions of reality… and call their convictions "justice".
Then, 16 years after the fact, the followers of these false prophets think themselves "righteous citizens", and lead crusades armed in ignorance.
‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do’ - Luke 23:34
One more note of importance; 15 or 16 d.r. inmates in cellblock DR-2 have been given 48 hrs. notice of their move to O.S.P (Super Maximum Prison) in Youngstown, Ohio.
It has begun.
‘nite!
Ohio Death Row Inmate
"The letter":
Dear Duke:
I saw a link to your webpage asking for penpals on the internet. I also found the following about your crime on the Ohio District Attorney website:
On 5/8/89, Donald L. Palmer Jr. and an accomplice murdered and robbed a driver of a pickup truck whom Palmer got into an accident with on County Road 2 near Glen Robbins Road in Belmont county. Palmer shot the driver twice in the head and dumped the body and pickup truck in a nearby field. Palmer additionally murdered and robbed another motorist who stopped at the scene of the accident. Palmer hot the motorist twice in the head and left the body and vehicle at the scene. Palmer confessed to police.
I’m curious, what on earth can you possibly share with the world? I’m sure you do enjoy living. Just as those two people you murdered enjoyed their lives before you took them needlessly and selfishly.
You’ve been on death row for 14 years it seems. That’s plenty of time to discover your personal views on the afterlife. Why not drop your appeals and be a man for a change? Your victims deserve to rest in peace.

Sincerely,

A Citizen For Swift Justice

Saturday October 15th 2005
11.40 pm
I went on a visit Thursday. "OHIO" came to see me. I think we’ve resolved some things that needed to be addressed between us. It was a fun visit, too. I came back at 1.30 pm, went to rec. at 4 pm, then slept until 4.30 am after I ate supper. I was wiped out.
Yesterday, I went to rec. at 8 am to 10.30 am, had mass (just Fr. Gerry and me) from 11 am to noon. Mail came at 2.15 pm… got a note from Karen: he was worried about me because of my bout of depression.
Today, I cleaned, went to rec from 4.30 pm to 6 pm (couldn’t get "NEAR" the phone, EVERYBODY USED IT!), just finished painting for the night (I’m working on the mountain lake painting Kenny bought from the other inmate), and I’m listening to Allison Krauss… she’s on "Austin City Limits" on P.B.S. tonight. Then, I’ll watch/listen to Joss Stone on "Sound Stage"… also on P.B.S..
I need to get up tomorrow and finish writing letters, and get these pages off to Scotland.
"Sweden Med Stu" keeps asking me for synonyms for words I use, so I’m sending her a thesaurus. She writes in English better than most Americans, and loves to learn as much as she can. She speaks Swedish, Danish and English. I have 2 different thesaurus books, so I’ll send her one. (Swe Med Stu NOTE: Actually, I speak a lot of French and a little German, too J)
Kenny’s next door snoring. The other night I was laughing as I went to bed, because I was thinking how I missed hearing him snore. It’s soft through the wall…but I’d NEVER be HIS CELLMATE! (Good Lord!) But, I thought it funny how familiar I found it, as I fell asleep.
Kenny won’t be going to O.S.P. when we move. He’ll go to Warren, until he goes back for his new trial. That’s going to be strange. I’m wondering how that must feel… my insides would be twisting if it was me. He’s been kind of depressed lately. He thought he’d hear something from the U.S. Supreme Ct last Monday. His attorneys told him it was put off until NEXT Monday… and he’s been depressed ever since.
But, I’m doing this painting; touching it up and changing the foreground, so it’ll be done before one of us leaves (him to county, or both of us to separate prisons). And, I keep putting off writing, trying to get all of this stuff done. Think I’ll stay in from rec. for 2 or 3 days, after I call Karen tomorrow morning.
About a week ago, or so, Kenny was playfully arguing with another inmate. Then Kenny said, "You wanna get down?" And the other inmate said, "Yeah, I wanna get down! Do you?" And Kenny said, "Yeah! Let’s go!"
Now, I know both of them well enough to know they were just playing, and I figured they wrestle around, or slap-box each other. And, when they came together they started snapping their fingers and dancing with each other! I swear, it looked like a very bad gay-porno! Very disturbing! I said, "Ya know, you’re both completely retarded!" If I had a video camera, I could make millions! I’ve seen some strange things these past 16 years.
Well, it’s time for me to go to bed. I have to get up and turn on the Country Classics in the morning.
‘nite, ya’ll!
Ohio Death Row Inmate
Monday October 17th 2005
11.50 pm
We got our notices to move today. It states that our ‘…transfer may occur within the next seven days, and not less than 24 hours after the serving of this notice.’ So, I could be moved tomorrow, anytime after 2.46 pm (not likely), but most probable within seven days.
Another inmate has attempted suicide. High-ranking correctional officers are doing cell checks every couple of hours.
As I understand it, those psychologically barred from being sent to Supermax will remain at Man. C. I.. I heard that the current D.R. facilities will be turned into "Mental Health" facilities for Ohio Dept. of Corrections.
I’ve been sorting through papers, and trying to get rid of stuff I don’t need. Not easy to do. I’ll pack up the stuff I don’t need on a daily basis, and get this painting done so I can pack my art supplies too.
I may not write anymore until I’m in O.S.P., because I have a lot to take care of beforehand.
More stress… yeah, that’s what I need right now!
Well, I’m going to mail these pages out, and be sure to have SOMETHING new on this site before the transition.
‘nite!
"Ohio Death Row Inmate"

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