Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My Mother..........My daughter

Sept 9th
I haven’t gone to bed yet. I watched “The O.C” and then the football game.
I was thinking about my mother, and part of my daughter’s letter, and thought I’d like to share it with you, but I need to fill you in on some things first. The letter was written on January 5th, 2004………….31/2 months after my mom died. My kids called her, “Mam-Moo” (which I always made fun of Mam, and called her “Shamoo” after the famous killer whale (Orca)…………but, I called MY grandmother “mam-mam”, so it’s kind of a tradition. And “angel” is my sister that died earlier this year. Anyway, I wrote her a letter and said she needed to write to me more often, and she had found this old letter just days before, (while moving).
She said she didn’t send it, because she was afraid it would only make me unhappy. (of course I wrote and told her I want the GOOD AND BAD, not selective info.) And, with that said, here’s part of her letter.
“I think of Mam Moo a lot. It’s hard to think of her not being there anymore. I really felt it on Christmas. Angel called to tell us “Merry Christmas”, and I told her that Mam Moo always called to wish us “Merry Christmas”.
When I was growing up, I spent so much time with her. I know it’s not right to think, but I don’t think she meant MORE to ANYONE ELSE, except you, and I know it has to be hard for you. But, she meant SO MUCH to us too, and especially ME. I miss her a lot. She always made it seem that she loved me and Brian so much, and I just wanted to tell you that we loved her just as much. She loved you so much, Dad. She told me one time, when I was a kid that life was so hard to live without you. And every time we saw her, she made sure to tell us not to go on living without checking on you. She always said that we needed to write more!
My mother was the only constant in my life, all the way until the day she died. No more than a month after she died, I ended up in the hole, for “threatening” an inmate.
(The truth is that I told the guards that I’D be forced to, “take care of it”, if THEY DIDN’T defuse the problem……and I went to the hole for “threatening” to defend myself!)
Anyway, while I was in the hole, I was given my legal work. In my legal work, I found the envelope my mother’s last letter came in. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I looked inside of the envelope KNOWING it was empty. (the prison opens our mail with an electric opener, and this letter had been cut on the bottom, instead of the top.)
When I looked inside, there was writing on the flap, which she had just written before licking and closing the letter. So, there I am in the hole for 15 days, feeling the whole world hated me, and being there because another ignorant, dumb ass inmate didn’t know any better to leave me alone………and I find written in red ink, “I love you”. My eyes filled with tears, and I finally grieved for my mother. Once again, when I needed her most, she showed up.
Well, after all that’s happened to me last month…………she shows up, AGAIN, in a letter written over 20 months ago by my daughter.
This is what I mean about “good ripples”, and how “love” continues, even after you leave this world. It IS IMPORTANT to leave behind as much love as you’re capable of………because someone’s always going to need it………..even after you’ve gone.


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