Tuesday, September 27, 2005

More thoughts

Sept 6th 2005
11.55am
First of all, I want to say “Happy Birthday” to my ex-wife. I know it’ll be a sad one…but, I’m thinking of you. I hope today brings a few smiles, lots of love, and a little peace.
If you want an old friend to talk to please write. Besides the kids, you know I care about how you’re doing, and what you’re feeling. You’re not alone…….I’m right here.
Secondly, I called, “HER” to ask for my transcripts to be sent to my daughter. “SHE” wouldn’t accept my call. I’ve asked her in letters, I’ve had people call and ask her, I had a message sent to “HIM” for “HIM” to ask her. I offered to pay the postage. So, I came back from rec this morning and wrote her a letter and asked her again……..I’ll send it out tonight.
My appeals DEPEND on those transcripts!! I trusted her with my “LIFE”!! And, now, she won’t give me my transcripts back. I have to question If she EVER loved me!!
She’s actually willing to keep my transcripts, and (potentially) get me killed!!
She hates me THAT much? She GOT what she WANTED!!
Why won’t she send my transcripts and my photo’s (16 years worth of photos of my family and friends and old family photos) to my kids? Why won’t she let me get out of her life? I just want to move on!! And forget I ever knew “HER” OR “HIM”!!
You would THINK she’d WANT me out of her life!!
I guess she hasn’t hurt me enough yet!!
I wonder how “HE” feels about her still hanging on to my stuff, and keeping me in her life, instead of letting me go, and HER getting on with THEIR relationship.
Well, if I don’t hear from her by the 14th, I’ll file a complaint, get an order from the court, and send the police to her house with a search warrant; since I’ll have an affidavit notarized saying she was given my transcripts here at the prison as proof.
Sheesh…….always gotta be about the “drama”!!
Well, I’ll give her what she’s asking for. I’ll do whatever I HAVE to do to get my transcripts from her. *********SIGH**********
Mail will come in two hours….I sure hope I get some!! I need something else to think about. I guess I’ll take a nap till then…………didn’t get much sleep last night.
Four hours just isn’t enough. I’ll turn the fan up high, and leave the radio (on my TV) on to drown the noise.
11.58pm
No mail, except a letter I asked “OHIO” to type up for me, and three more postage receipts.
I’ve spent my afternoon drawing a portrait of Kim Smith, a model. I think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. I hope “Scotland’s” scanner can handle 9”x12”, so she can show it to you all. Drawing is very intimate: it’s almost the same thing as tracing someone’s face with your fingers…..very sensual. I fall in love with every face I draw…..it becomes burnt into my mind. You HAVE to see every detail, and then you reproduce it, and it’s like touching everything that MAKES them “THEM”!! And, once it’s done, it truly depicts the person; it’s kind of like saying “see!! I KNOW YOU”!!
Well, I’m off to bed. I’m bored.
‘night!
September 7th, 2005
12.42pm
Kim Smith’s staring at me. I didn’t realise I did her eyes where they follow you no matter where you are in the room. Kind of nice having a beautiful girl so interested in everything I do! (HA!) She’s here on my desk, in front of the 3 paintings (stacked behind her portrait)
Allison Krauss has been on the radio all morning. They’re doing a “spotlight” on her today…….. I really needed this, this morning. They play one of her songs after 2 or 3 songs by other artists. So, I’ll hear 3 or 4 more songs before this program ends at 2pm.
Ha!! If a girl this cute stared at me this long, to where I’m completely conscious of it, I’d just walk over and plant one on her!! (GEEZ!! I NEED a REAL life!)
I’ve been sitting here for a half hour already. Mail will be here in an hour.
I won’t get my hopes up.
I straightened out some papers last night, and sorted out what to keep and what to toss out. I added up all the cash slips I found, and I’ve spent almost $20 in postage……..not including the paintings I’ve sent to “OHIO”, or the photo album and C.Ds I sent back to “HER”. If I figured in the embossed envelopes, I’m probably in the 40-50 range.
By now, “Scotland” has probably received more of these letters, and probably has already posted them online. These letters (BEGINNING ON SEPT 6th) will have to wait until the 12th to be sent out. That’s when they will put my prison pay in my account. (I get $18 a month for being the barber) Oh, well!! “Scotland” will get a short reprieve…….THEN be up to her chin in typing! HA!! She said, “There’s a trail of yellow paper all over my house!! (**smile**)
(I WRITE ON YELLOW LEGAL PADS)
I’ve been through 2 pens and 4 legal pads (50 sheet pads) since August 3rd. And, I write on BOTH SIDES of the paper!! I have 3 calluses from writing…….the strangest one is the one on my little finger from where I rest my hand on the paper, and drag it along the pages as I write.
It’s the size of an eraser tip of a pencil in diameter.
There’s a new song out called “Out in the Boondocks” or maybe it’s just “BOONDOCKS”, but it’s by Little Big Town, and there’s one part that talks about honeysuckle growing wild, and how sweet it is….it’s definitely a song I can relate to. I could’ve written that song, except my “old camp creek” is “Seven Lake Hollow”.
In fact, I wrote a poem about 10 years ago, (my only copy lost when my mother died) titled, “Honeysuckle Wine”.
It was about Summer’s spent at my great aunts, and the memories I have of the smell of honeysuckle. I use to go fishing in “Seven Lake Hollow”, and I’d come back at dusk…about ¾ mile through the woods……..and I’d get back as it was just getting dark, but it’d be a lot lighter once I emerged from the woods, and I could smell the honeysuckle that grew against my ant’s house before the house was visible. But, “Honeysuckle Wine” was the aroma mixed in the humid summer air, as the day began to finally cool off.
The summer of 80, when I was 15, I had scratches criss-crossed all over the front of my thighs, because I’d trek all the way out to the 3rd lake (more of a pond) with just shorts and tennis shoes on. I had long hair, and a “perm” (think Peter Frampton in 1979), a dark tan, and a body sculpted from 2 years of football (American) workouts.
I lived on fish, and had NO body fat (about 8%). I lived in a 15 x 9 foot tent on the camp grounds at the lake above my aunt’s, and I only joined my family on Saturday nights, when I’d spend the night with my cousins (at my aunts) and go to church with them on Sunday mornings. Saturday nights were the only time I had a proper bath…..the rest of the time, I’d bathe by using the hose on the back of the camp ground clubhouse. Later in the summer, after the 4th July (Independence Day), I’d find myself alone at the camp during the week. I’d walk around nude, with my shorts on hand, “just in case”. I use to lay on the raft (a wooden deck floating on 6 fifty gallon drums) in the middle of the lake. One day, I left my shorts on the dock, and swam out to the raft, and a car came with a fellow and his girl. They swam out to the raft and made love on it, while I held on to the anchor-rope with one hand, and covered myself with the other hand, under the center of the raft. I had sat so still that fish were trying to peck the moles off of my stomach, which is why my other hand was WHERE IT WAS!!
They swam away, and left………never knowing I was there….after an hour.
When I hear that song, “Boondocks”, I’m reminded of a time that my heart clings to. These things….THAT is who I am……..not this label placed on me by society.
I got a letter today; with 2 photos and an old letter written Jan 5th, 2004………..from my daughter. The present letter says she and her beau have gotten their own place, and told me about Jeff’s funeral, and my ex’s family fighting over Jeffrey’s money. (Did I mention I can’t stand her family?)
So, I’m going to try to get in contact with Jen, and tell her how to protect Ashlyn’s rights, (Jeff and Jen’s little girl), and try to do what I think Jeffrey would want.
Ashlyn has no father to support her now, and she’s entitled to ALL OF IT!! What the HELL is wrong with those people?!!
I HATE selfish people!!
But the rest of the letter is full of love, and I’m so glad she sent the old letter. I really needed the old one, And I LOVE the photos!!
I’ll have these ones on my desk now.
Well, it’s almost 4pm (time for rec), so I’ll end here and get ready to go.
Duke
6.12pm
So nice to come back to these lovely eyes upon me!!(HA!!) I really need to send this drawing out to “Scotland”, and get it out of my cell!
For those of you who would like to learn a better way of living, or learn to be happy in spite of ANY circumstances, I have some recommended reading for you, “10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace” by Dr. Wayne Dyer
I’ve sent this book to my family and friends, and I keep a copy of it beside my bed, on my desk (footlocker).
I read it from cover to cover, over and over, and over again!! If one can keep these things in their mind, and practice living their life in this manner, they WILL find a better way of living. I keep it right beside my bible, and I read it whenever I have time. I just place my book marker wherever I leave off, and begin from there the next time. I’ve read it over 50 times…………and I’ll continue to read it, until I practice it, naturally, on a daily basis. But I know I practice it a lot because it’s in my writing and in the way I think.
“Boondocks” just came on!! I’ll be back!
Yeah, I love that song!! I couldn’t find a song that describes me any better.
Well thinking of home………..I guess I’ll answer my daughter’s letter. I’ll write more before bed.
11.58pm
I just finished writing to my daughter……a 6 page letter, (3 sheets, front and back) What? Well, I have to let her know I love her don’t I? I rarely get to call her and the hurricane has just about stopped the mail!! It took 2 WEEKS for my letter to get to her!!
She said her city has been flooded with evacuees from “Katrina”, and its hell there. Said there’s no petrol/gas to even BE purchased!! All the stations tanks are empty, and people are stealing it from other peoples’ cars! And the media’s putting the fear of God into people by saying the evacuees are desperate, and robberies and other crimes are going to be rampant throughout the region………..which I suppose is actually true, since people have lost EVERYTHING, and are starving!! Instead of fear, why not spread CHARITY? I really don’t know what the world has come to!! It’s just sad.
Well, I need to get some sleep before rec at 8am, so I’ll end here for the night.
Sept 8th 2005
7.42am
Good morning!!
Breakfast is o its way in, and I’m headed to rec after that.
I ended up not going to bed until after 2am, because I wrote Kenny a letter. As soon as the porter brings breakfast up, I’ll ask him to slide it under the door to the other side of the block, and have Kenny’s porter pass it to him.
7.51am. Done with breakfast, have to get ready for rec!!
8.06am
The C.O. s (Correctional Officers) are on the other side letting Kenny’s range out for rec. They’ll be over here shortly. As a matter of fact, here they come now!! I’ll write later!
12.10pm
Finally, “OHIO” answered the phone this morning!
She has had a lot to do, and a lot to deal with. It was good to finally talk to her. She has just looked up the website while I was on the phone with her. She’ll send scans/photos of my artwork to “Scotland”, and put up pics of them on this site. Hopefully, I can sell them and be able to order art supplies in November. I want to do a big painting (22” x 28”) for my daughter to put in her new apartment. She feels left out, when it comes to my artwork, and I feel bad about having to sell it. But, that’s just the way my life is! I have to do things I don’t want to do.
6.22pm
I just ate supper, and turned in my commissary order form. A pen, a small pouch of tobacco, and a candy bar for the football pool……leaves me with .04c (four cents) until my prison pay is put on my books (on my account). I asked Kenny to pick me up 2 more pouches until next week. I’ll pay him back then, and buy gum and a can of snuff (the kind you put in your mouth not up your nose) and try to quit smoking again. There’ll be no more smoking allowed after 1st November in this prison anyway, so I’ll just have to quit anyway! I’ve been smoking 20-25 cigarettes a day for 25 years… I should have quit years ago!! Actually, I quit for 3 weeks, until I had my conversation with “HER” on August 1st. But, I was forced to quit, since I didn’t have a prison job at that time, and she started taking care of him, instead.
At least my TV shows will be coming back on for new seasons. “The O.C”, starts tonight…………AND there’s the first NFL game on tonight. “Grey’s Anatomy” starts a new season on the 25th, which I absolutely love. The main character reminds me of my ex wife, when I first met her, and even looks a bit like her. (the eyes, the smile, and the personality).
My ex was in nursing school when I met her, and I use to stay with Jeffrey while she was at school, then help her study, THEN PLAY UNTIL DAWN!!
HA!! She use to go to school on 1-2 hours of sleep, come home and sleep for 2-4 more hours, and be up all night again. ****SMILE****
Oh!! How I miss being 17!! I don’t think we ever skipped a day of making love until all three kids where born!! NOW…………I hear this song called, “I’m not as good as I once was” (but I’m as good, ONCE, as I ever was) and I just HAVE to laugh!! But, I think I’m as good TWICE as I ever was! (smile)
Sixteen (plus) years of deprivation!!

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