Monday, September 12, 2005

Love, my thoughts and music

Sept 2nd 2005

AM

I went to rec at 8am, and stayed inside the rec cage for mass. I got to have a mass for my son…….and find the love within myself to forgive.

How can someone waiting to be executed, who has lost 3/4s of those closest to him, find love within himself to forgive those who betray him in his lowest moment of life.

Think about every person who has ever wronged you. Everything anyone has done to you cannot be UN-DONE. The past exists only in your mind. All those wrongs committed against you no longer exist., because the past cannot exist in the here and now (the present), except in your thoughts.
No one can put a thought in your mind FOR YOU! Only YOU can put a thought there. So if the past can only exist in your thoughts, and only you can put a thought in your mind, who’s fault it is if you continue to allow past wrongs to be a source of pain and heartache?

You can’t undo what has been done. You accept it for whatever it was, you embrace it and learn from it, and then you forgive it, and no longer carry it in your heart or your thoughts, and you let it go. Otherwise, you allow those past wrongs to continue to make you a victim. The forgiveness is for YOUR sake!! If you THINK you are a victim you ARE. If you THINK you are NOT a victim, you ARE NOT!!
People who are still victimized by their past CHOOSE to be victims”

“What a man thinketh, so he is”

“I think, therefore I am”


All of what we feel and experience is a CHOICE!!

Think you’re happy, and you are. Think you’re sad, and you are. Think something is good and it is (for you). Think something is bad, and it is (for you)

That is how I try to live my life. I define who I am, how I feel and everything else about my own personal existence by the thoughts I place in my mind. I do not have to be what OTHER people think I am, because what they think is in THEIR minds!!

This applies to EVERYTHING in the past!! The things YOU have done wrong, the way you’ve been conditioned to think, all you have been taught………EVERYTHING can be left in the past. You can totally redefine your existence, and who you are!!

Don’t get me wrong, though…I still get hurt and angry and everything that comes with being human. But eventually, I take control of what I feel………and I CHOOSE to be a better man. And prison or even death sentences, cannot take away my love!!

So, THAT is how I am able to forgive, and why I am able to love………..because I CHOOSE to!!
5.30pm

Well no mail today. Guess I’ll spend the weekend painting. I have nothing else to do. Tomorrow, I’ll go outside for rec, and run in circles around the rec cage. I weigh 223lbs……….I’ve gained 5lbs this month. I’m going to work out, paint and write these “letters to noone” until something in my life changes.

I won’t run up “Scotlands” phone bill any more. And I wont call Ohio until she has time for me. I’ll just get on with my life, and those who want to be in it WILL be in it…….but I don’t think I’ll have to worry about having too much company any time soon!!

I guess I’ll go shower and shave, get ready for bed and read until I fall asleep.

September 3rd 2005-09-12 5.37pm.

I just came back from recreation. I apparently lied last night, because I did damage to “Scotlands” phone bill tonight.

“Scotland” said she put up a website for me, and all these letters….but, I’ve decided to continue to write these letters by keeping others names anonymous.

Its not my intention to make public the privacy of those I interact with, so I will continue in this vein.

Well. Ill be happy when I get up at 6 AM tomorrow morning as I listen to Classic Country from 6.15am to 8am. (when I go out for rec) They always play some really good ones in the morning, like Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and Hank Williams Sr.

Since I have batteries for my CD player/radio, I listened to folk music and the last song was by Eva Cassidy. Despite her popularity in the UK, she’s hardly even known in the US. The very first song I ever heard her sing was “Somewhere over the rainbow”, and I had tears in my eyes. Her voice and obvious passion goes straight to my soul. I think my grandmother would’ve loved her.

I have a great love for music. When I was little (5-6 years old) I’d sit with my back against my aunts piano as she played. I loved, not only hearing her play, but feeling it vibrate through my body. Just as you love someone so much that you wish you could climb right into their heart, so is it with music for me. It’s a kind of “BELONGING”
Eva Cassidy, Allison Krause, Patsy Cline and Sade are voices that speak to my soul.

Well, I’m going to paint for a little while. I found a sheet of canvas (9x12) inside a folder, and I haven’t sent Scotland one of my paintings yet……….I guess it’s the least I can do for all she’s done for me. I’ll have to make something “close to yellow paint, like white mixed in golden yellow…so I can paint flower stems and leaves. Then, I’ll go to bed early so I can get up at 6am.

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