Friday, September 02, 2005

Letter to Nobody

Letter to Nobody
By An Ohio Death Row Inmate

12 August 2005

I am writing just for the sake of speaking out. I've no one whom to say these things to, I'm just doing it for my sanity. If I find someone who would like to know about me one day I'll let then read all of this.

I'm a death row inmate in Ohio, I'm 40 years old, 25lbs overweight, wearing prison issue glasses and I look like someone other than myself. Only I can see the good looking guy that was arrested for a double murder in 1989. I've been broken in so many ways that I couldn't begin to make someone understand. I wonder how much more I must endure before it all ends, and HOW it will all end.

On August 1st, eleven days ago, the woman I loved told me she was in love with my best friend.........another guy on death row.I know I should just see it as someone on the outside would see it, thats she's obviously insane to begin with. But I know why she only falls for men in prison, it's because she knows that men in prison look deep within themselves, and they appreciate her love far more than men on the outside. They cling to her, depend upon her, and make her feel like an angel. They feel blessed by her love and companionship.
The sad thing is her inabilty to be commited to just one person. Once the relationship takes on the air of being comfortable, she becomes bored and looks for that exciting time of getting to know someone new.
Yet, once she IS known, she wants to move on when they see the truth......that she's not a "happily ever after" kind of girl. Never has been.....never will be.

The friend she ran off with, so to speak, is a guy I took under my wing when he first arrived. All the homosexuals were at his cell trying to drag him into their world of using one another.....not just sexually, but in the way that inmates do, gambling, scheming, and just being shit starters. They are the kind of people without self respect. Their idea of respect is to give props to people who are feared.

I kept him out of all that, and he was my cellie for 22 months,from April 98 till Feb 2000.............. a year and a half after he arrived in Sept. 1996. We were closer than any two friends can be. We were locked in a nine by eleven foot cell, with a shower in it. We ate, shit, showered and slept in the same space.

While most other death row inmates were fighting with their cell mates, he and I got along famously. We worked out together, played cards and board games, did art work together, and talked about everything. He was like my brother and I loved him as much as my brother.

I lost 2 people I loved the most. Though they say they want to continue to be friends, I have no room in my heart. I'm unable to be friends with people who betray my trust and my love. A two year relationship and a 9 year friendship both tossed in the garbabge out of selfishness. I'm hurt because of it.........but I can't go backwards and try to be less than what we were with either of them. Thats not how I work.

I'm on death row now because my brother in law hit the backend of a guys truck, the guy attacked, and I killed him. I didnt mean to....and there was no intention to harm anyone that day.

Its how I was raised, you protect the people you love, regardless of your own safety. Another man was killed in the incident, also. I can't take it back. I can't do ANYTHING to change what happened. But I would protect my brother in law again in those same circumstances. The only difference is that I don't drink or do drugs anymore, because I dont ever want to be without the ability to reason under pressure. (yes drugs and alcohol are accessible in prison)
So, I dont understand betrayal. These people can't possibly like who they are! And, I know I dont like them. The only thing I feel, besides being hurt and angry, is pity that they are people with no integrity.
You know whats worse? It won't last between the two of them.......and I feel betrayed for nothing. And I will not forgive them afterwards. Well, maybe forgive, but I'll never talk to either of them.
I'm alone in this world. I have a friend I call in Ohio and one in Scotland. I hear from my daughter once in a while. But, my brother lives in England.........my kids are in Florida.....and I don't hear from the rest of my family. Never knew my father, and my mother and sister have both died in the past 2 years..........as did a very dear friend of mine.
What do I do now? How do I live? Where do I find hope?? Where is it that my thoughts and heart call home?SHE was "HOME" to me. She took that and gave it to someone else. HE took it for his own. I feel orphaned.

Sixteen years, I have watched my life fade into nothingness. All I've written to my mother has been scattered to the wind. I no longer exist in this world. A living ghost, if you will. I have no future, no past..........just this empty present. If I died, a couple of people would say "that's too bad" but no one's life would be turned upside down because of it. But, perhaps the pain would go away for me. I'm not that concerned about my current appeal in federal court. In fact I'd rather die than be sentenced to "life in prison".
Why would I want to extend my heartache and pain? My kids are all grown up...........in their twenties now. My family have forgotten about me. The rest are dead.My best friend is no longer someone I like.....My girl gave herself to someone else. And I am supposed to FEAR death? I WELCOME an end to this.

An Ohio Death Row inmate.

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