Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Kim Smith, Swedish Med Student and more

9.11am
G’mornin’!!
Didn’t get to bed until 3.30am, but since the guys downstairs aren’t out for rec, (BECAUSE THEY LOCK DOWN THE PRISON FOR FOG), I wanted to be up for the peace and quiet. (They all went back to bed)
I didn’t get any mail yesterday. Today is the last day before the weekend. If I don’t get any mail to answer over the weekend, I’ll spend it painting…….if I can figure out WHAT to paint, with the colors I have left.
Hopefully, “Scotland” will get the three envelopes (that went out on the 6th) by tomorrow………..but, she’ll probably get them Monday or Tuesday. The drawing of my old cell (NEXT DOOR TO KENNY’S) and the diagram (floor plan) of the kind of cells we, (Kenny and me) are in now is in those letters. And, hopefully, “Ohio” has sent her a scan/photo of the, “A Life’s Worth Of…….” painting to Scotland to put up on this website. I hope those of you reading this can see all the pain and redemption in it. Even pain can be beautiful……..at least it lets you know you’re still alive. And, with life, there is always hope. It may be buried under tons of pain and heartache and despair……but, there’s always hope.
Well, Kim Smith is waiting to watch me undress, and take a shower, so I’ll oblige her. ***********SMILE************
(I REALLY NEED TO GET HER OUT OF HERE!! HA!)
Kim made me feel self conscious as I got out of the shower. Maybe I’ll keep her around until I lose this 20lbs I need to get rid of! But, I’ll have to explain to her how “shrinkage” occurs when I’m wet and standing under the cold air conditioning! (HONEST!!!)
Think she’ll buy it? She might believe it the first 2 or 3 times…………..but, then what? Ha!
I need a REAL LIFE!!!! I sure hope I get some mail today! I’m losing my friggin’ mind!! I need some people to write to, soon!!
Alright! I’m going to close my eyes until lunch gets here. I may, or may not eat it………..I’m hoping for a piece of meat of some kind to eat by itself. Other wise, I’ll eat veggies and/or fruit, and leave it alone. I don’t eat bread or any kind of carbs, except what is in fruit or veggies. No potatoes, bread, pasta or anything with a lot of starch in it.
12.39pm
Didn’t get much time! We had fish and coleslaw….but I didn’t eat the bread or potatoes. I have 2 oranges and 2 apples for later.
I’m going to get these pounds off of me………..and feel good about myself again.
3.11pm I have rec at 4pm……..hope “Ohio” and Scotland are there to talk to.
I got lots of mail today! One from a friend here on the row, and 2 envelopes from Sweden (a young lady I began writing when she was just 16…she’s now 24 years old, and a “MED STUDENT” in Copenhagen.) and the envelopes are full of letters spanning from Feb 05 to Sept 4th 05. She BLOG’s to me, just as I BLOG on here. (Another reason why I like “Greg’s Anatomy”………….because “Sweden: Med Student” is what my ex once was…….except Sweden Med Student will be a DOCTOR!!)
She and I have talked on a deep level, and when she grew up (she was already very mature) she had to find herself, and what she wanted out of life. She’s not a giggly type of girl………not even in high school………….and she’s the intelligent kind of young lady that you’d expect to be a doctor. And, it feels good to be loved by her…………….not as in “romance”, but for who I am, and because it’s her nature to “help” in crisis, and I was her first patient: a death row inmate in need of a little sunshine. Well, she’s A LOT of sunshine, and I’ll rekindle our relationship, because we BOTH need that right now.
Time for rec………….I’ll continue this subject when I get back.
5.54PM
I just came back from rec, and ate supper. I talked to “Ohio” most of the time, and talked to Scotland for one phone call (15 mins). I’ll talk to them again in the morning.
I need Ohio to take care of some stuff for me, so I’ll be in her ear for while. (HA!)
Okay…….back to Sweden Med Student.
I want to put a portion of her letter on here, and show everyone how beautiful she is.
August 26th. I haven’t given the Hippocratic Oath yet, but I really did many years ago. To me, helping people is a state of life……….I may not always be a sweet girl and do Florence Nightingale stuff, but I excel in crisis and where strength is needed.
Between us its friendship too. But one of the main reasons for writing to an inmate in the first place was to help some person in this world to have a decent life in a way I knew how.
Sept 3rd
When I went through my own stuff, I found your letter………and now I have them beside my bed. I re read a couple before sleep. They make me feel good. I guess it’s because I use to make YOU feel good, and that makes ME feel good today. I know I made an impact on your life, and I hope I still do.
Sweden Med Student.
I wish she and I could meet, or at least talk on the phone. All these years later, she still talks to me in her mind, and sends a bunch of letters every 6 months or so. I’m glad to know I have had an impact on HER life!! It’s been a privilege to watch this beautiful young lady blossom into the person she is. And, I’m very proud of what she’s doing, and who she is. And, it’s amazing to be counted as one of her friends. I mean, stop and look at who I am (in the world’s eye), and contemplate why this beautiful, intelligent young lady still cares so much about me!! The world would be so quick to judge her as “unbalanced”, or something….and would never stop to consider WHO I AM first!! She’s kind of a testament for my character and personality……..and I only say this to show people who SHE IS!! I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain, from what the world thinks of me. I’ll continue to make good ripples in the pond of life, and leave as much love in my wake as possible……….and, if I find some of it passed back to me before I die, I’ll embrace it, and be blessed by it.
“Duke”
Saturday 11.45PM
September 10th 2005
I spent the day writing to “Sweden Med Student”, preparing 3 more canvas boards with the last of the 12” x 16” canvases that I cut in half to make 8” x 12” pieces. When they’re done, they will be 71/2” x 91/2” paintings mounted on 11” x 14” backboards, with 11” x 14” mat frames around the paintings. I started another portrait, cleaned my cell, and wrote out a new exercise schedule. I also did a little painting, at the end of “Sweden Med Student’s” letter of a flower and a butterfly
Scotland was on the phone with the “Highbalp” (KENNY KING OF THE GULLY DWARVES), so I left them alone…………..and Ohio didn’t answer, so I played cards with 3 other inmates.
Just before I started writing this, I put on my headphones and turned on the Kent State University station…..they play “folk” music on the weekends. That includes jazz, blues, Celtic, blue grass, etc…………..in acoustical form. When I first put them on, Norah Jones was on, and It just made me really sad. I turned “HER” onto Norah Jones, and she bought me 2 c.ds of Norah Jones. It reminded me of her, and I got a letter talking about “HIM” always being on the phone with “HER”, and I felt that “tightening of the chest”, and that “ache”. I’m just really hurt, and I just want to be a year into the future to be “over it”. I already knew I’d feel like this if I ever heard Norah Jones……..that’s why I sent all the c.d ‘s she bought me back to her, along with all of her photo’s, letters, cards and lock of hair that I wore on my necklace. I told her I’d send EVERYTHING back, and she said I was just being spiteful. I wasn’t. I just knew I’d think of her if I had to look at anything she ever bought me. So she wouldn’t think that, I just sold it all (clothes, shoes, blanket, towels, etc) to other inmates, and gave the rest of it away to the guys who don’t have anything. I traded it for smokes, coffee, stamps etc……not actually “sold”.
I just want the hurt to go away.
The only things I kept were the c.d player/radio and the book by Dr Wayne Dyer. I kept the book because I gave her my original copy. I kept the c.d player/radio only until I can buy a new one………then I’ll just toss this one in the trash.
It’s the principle of it all!! I accepted it all as “love”……….and, since she took her love and gave it to “HIM”, she might as well have taken the “STUFF”………….because, that’s all it is. If he and I had been in the same cell block, I’d have dropped it all off in his cell!! Then again, it’s probably a VERY good thing we WEREN’T in the same block!! Everyone in the rec cage with me on August 1st all got real quiet, and wouldn’t look at me, and kept looking over their shoulders as I paced the length of the cage, seething. I can’t blame them……….this is prison and “you never know.” But, I’m not like that. I’d never misdirect my anger. I was on an adrenaline high for a few days and didn’t even sleep the nights of the 1st or 2nd. I literally felt like I was vibrating. It took the death of my son to turn it all to grief when I found out on the 17th or was it the 18th?
Shit!! Now I’m depressed. I’m going to bed.
Duke
Sunday 11.25am
Sept 11th 05
Fourth anniversary of 9/11……..I was in the rec. cage with “HIM”, when the first plane hit. I was back in my cell when the 2nd one hit. I watched the buildings collapse.
I looked out into the sky where I could always see planes, or at least the exhaust trail of planes left behind. It was a day just like today, with clear blue skies. The only evidence I would see of planes was a big semi circle jet trail.
Most likely of a plane called back to the airport.
I seen people leaping from the buildings…….people leaping to their deaths. After the line of coverage, they cut the people falling and jumping from the buildings. When the buildings came down, I saw massive crowds running through the streets. It was surreal……….like an old Godzilla movie………..but, it WAS real. It was strange.
The plane that went down in Pennsylvania had flown right over my hometown, and crashed only 100 miles or so from there. Those people in that plane saved lives, by sacrificing their own. It too them too long though. They should’ve acted immediately, when it first happened. But, the average American just isn’t in the mindset to fight at the drop of a hat. They are complacent and blissfully ignorant in their lives of over indulgence. But, they snap out of it, eventually. In this case, it was by cell phone. That they had learned of the Twin Towers, and to the Pentagon, and knew their fate.
I am, both proud and ashamed: Proud of what they did…………….and, ashamed that we DO live in blissful ignorance.
It is capitalism that we live our lives for. We are the richest country in the world. But, our foreign policies keep making us rich, while the average foreign citizen lives in poverty. What the Average American considers to be poverty in THIS country would be a windfall for the average foreign citizen.
It is exactly THIS REASON that I am ashamed of my extra 20lbs!! Don’t people in this country have a conscience? I know how unfair it is to say that, but the majority of society really is too selfish. Why does it take a hurricane, a terrorism attack, or a Tsunami to make people want to help? There are kids in Africa dying everyday of starvation. Yes, I am ashamed of my country.
8.34pm
I’m in my cell, listening to the country station, waiting for “Classics” to come on.
Scotland told me Ohio sent the “A life’s worth of….” painting, and it’ll be up on the front page of the site, thanks to a friend here in the states. I can’t remember if she said Wisconsin or Minnesota………..I just know my thoughts went up that way when she told me. I’ll have to wait before I refer to her as a “STATE”.
I’ve addressed “Sweden Med Student’s” envelope, and have it ready to go out, along with my friend’s letter (here on the row).
I have to get this instalment ready to go out to Scotland. I think I’ll just put it all in a legal envelope, and send this drawing of Kim Smith with it. (I’m gonna miss her)
I wish I could find more of these oil painting paper pads.
I love to do drawings on them, because of the canvas texture.
But, this pad was sent to me in place of an “actual canvas” pad in one of my art orders, and they’re not listed in their catalogs. It’s made by Daler Rowney in Brocknell, England. Maybe someone in England will see this and send me 2 or 3 sheets of it at a time.
It’s Daler Rowney “Georgian” oil painting paper 9 x 12 inches, and comes in a 10 sheet pad……or maybe it was a 12 sheet pad.
It’s thick and textured paper…….very rich paper.
Geez!!! Whoever is running the “Country Classics” tonight is playing mostly honky-tonk dancing type of music. I want some soft, love ballads, or some country blues…….not all this hillbilly rock. This is like six songs in a row!!! I want to relax, not be annoyed.
Well, I’ll just end this, and get it in the mail. its 21 pages long…………………"Scotland’s” going to tire of me real quick.

‘nite ya’ll

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