Tuesday, September 27, 2005

"HER", The good doctor and my medical problem:)

Monday 12 September 2005
4.22pm
No mail today…..just a note from “HER” concerning my transcripts and photos.
Went to rec this morning and talked to “Scotland”, who said I may as well call her “Karen”, since everyone knows Scotland is her. So……I will.
The title of the painting on my website is “A Life’s Worth of……” and I hope ya’ll can see and feel me in it. Yes, there’s a lot of pain in it…but, there’s hope (that we cling to)…..and I believe we are all fragile inside. I believe it’s important to allow the world to see ALL that we are inside, without all the pretenses we hide ourselves behind.
On 3rd June, 2005, “She” came to visit me. I knew “she” was leaving me, THEN!! But, I never mentioned it.
We talked, and I made her feel as loved as best as I knew how. I HAD to!! I needed her to feel ALL of my love, just one last time. She wrote me after that visit and told me how much she realized that she loved me and needed me. It was the best letter she had ever written to me………..and I knew she “FELT” my heart.
While she was writing that letter, and having a great weekend, I wrote 2 letters…….then a 3rd on the 9th. In those letters I told her I knew about “HIM” and how it was killing me. (I had felt it since March or April, and by May I KNEW she was falling for him. (He was tugging at her heartstrings, and the sexual/emotional stuff started in their writings)
Anyway, I wrote out every tell tale sign for her in those letters, and let her know how hurt I was. I had to get it out….it was twisting up my mind and heart, and I felt I was going to just die of heartache. I told her I loved her, but I hated her for “doing this to me.”
Well, on the 9th, I wrote a 3rd letter, saying she and I should just mutually walk away from this. I told her, “I know you’re leaving, and YOU know it TOO”!! I said, “I’ll pretend a little longer if you need me to, but you’re really hurting me.”
I never sent the letters……….but, I kept them. I wrote in the first letter, “In the days, weeks months to come I will send you this, just so you’ll know I KNEW”.
When she finally got up the nerve to tell me, (August 1st) it STILL hurt me WAY more that I expected, And, I guess I just wanted her to tell the truth…..but, she chose to justify it by blaming me. So, I sent her the letters, and I never expected to hear from her again. I knew her WAY more than she expected………and I just couldn’t let her dump it all in my lap. She got what she wanted, and I’d be dammed if she’d use me for an excuse!! I had been hurting for 3 months, and I tried to make it easy for her, and she tried to blame me. I know “SHE” doesn’t even believe her excuse, so why should I? Just because “HE’S” gullible enough to believe it, doesn’t mean I AM”. She used the same excuse for leaving the guy she said she was in love with when “I” met her, that she used to leave me to be with “HIM”!
But, it’s all said and done. I just want my legal work and photo’s back and to leave them to their treachery.
They deserve each other. And I’ll find my way back from it all.
I have some friends, my daughter and son, (even if he does hate to write), my artwork, and my writing. If I find that one special girl to put above all others, I will………and if not, I’ll just have to be content with the way my life is.
7pm
I just had the porter (inmate working in the pod) call “OHIO” for me, and ask “OHIO” to call “HER”, and have my transcripts and photos sent to “OHIO”…….for the time being. I know “OHIO” would want to read the “trial” portion, and see first hand who I am. Then, I’ll have them sent to my daughter………..so, she can see who I was. All the testimony from my family and friends about me growing up, etc, etc……..it’s an insight to how I grew up.
Well, in any case, I hope she’ll take care of it like her letter said.
Before calling Karen, I talked to “Ohio” for about 45 minutes, and then called her again after talking to Karen. I’m trying to get pictures of my paintings and drawings on here for everyone to see. None of them are like the one on the front page of this website………..they are landscapes and floral paintings. But “SHE” has all my best ones. My daughter has some really good drawings of mine. I don’t know who has the one I did of my ex-wife, but it was a good one, too.
Well, I need to write to “OHIO”, and send her a list of stuff that she asked me to send, so all I need done GETS done. If I have time, I’ll write more……..if not, I’ll see ya’ll in the morning.
Tuesday 13 Sept.
9.58am
Good Morning!!
I just came back from seeing the doctor. I feel fine, but it seems I have very high cholesterol. Its 178……and it should be 130. And, the fact that I’m still smoking puts me at a great risk for a hear t attack! And, with all the luck I’VE had lately, you’d think I’d already HAD one.
So, it’s back to working out and running…….and I’ve asked to be put on a diet, so that’ll help. I NEED to buy tuna, mackerel, and salmon from the commissary, and get on a REAL diet……..but, I can’t afford the $60 a month it’d cost!! I know I can’t do the veggie thing again. Last time, I went down to 165lbs and couldn’t gain muscle mass……..ended up in a fight with a 6’ 3, 240lb inmate, which put me in the infirmary for 3 days with a severe concussion, and a pinched nerve in my neck that never healed. I am on medication that keeps my brain from receiving the pain signal from the damaged nerves in my neck, which runs all the way to the thumb and index finger of my right hand.
Geez!! I really need to get back on my feet, and find a way to take care of myself. I know I can’t go on eating the regular prison food………it’s going to kill me before the state gets their chance! (Or is that WHY they’re poisoning my body with their food?)
It’s the ability to make fun of ourselves that puts people at ease with who you are………….and on that note, I asked if they checked for S.T.D.’s (sexually transmitted diseases) when they do blood work. She said, “H.I.V., hepatitis etc”, and I asked about herpes. She asked if there was a particular reason I was asking.
So I explained that I use to get blisters in the same spot………like an “open sore”………but that I hadn’t had it in a long time. I had to explain that it might have been just a “rub burn”, and it doesn’t occur anymore. *IS THIS AN UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION OR WHAT?)
So, I had to explain that it quit occurring because my method of “rubbing it, (SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME NOW!) Is different, and I don’t have that problem anymore. However, I have a mole that has turned black right where this use to occur. She says, “Well, I’m going to have to “SEE IT!!”
So, here I am, in a room with this pretty Asian doctor, and a female nurse……..all by myself. The guard looks in every few minutes to make sure everything is okay.
Well, the guards’ station is very quiet, and despite the pretense of a closed door, (pretending confidentiality) the guards can hear every word. And he DID hear THIS conversation!
It gets quiet while I’m exposing myself to the nurse and doctor. I’m standing there with my penis in my hand and the doctor is bent over looking at the “mole” about a foot away from it. The guard looks in, and sees the doctor and me standing there like this, and walks away, like, “I don’t even want to know!”
(*SIGH* ………EVER GET THAT FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM?!!”)
Well, it turns out to be a wart, and was probably caused from “friction burns” (RUB BURNS), and it is NOT cancer or herpes. (Thank God!). That’s the GOOD news!!
The bad news? A nurse has to put an acid formula on it 3 times a week to burn it off!
(Excuse me? Did you say “Burn” my penis? What? A nurse at my cell door, 2 guards in tow, is going to burn my penis 3 times a week? IS ANYONE ELSE MORTIFIED?!!
So, these nice nurses who bring my medication for my pinched nerve, whom I have pleasant “Good Morning…Thank You”, conversations with, are now going to have to apply wart removal to my penis!! I surely hope these “applications” take place at noon, and not at 7AM!!!!I don’t want to wake up from a dream and say, “Could you please give me a couple of minutes?” (Sheesh!! I just KNOW I’m going to the hole!!)
So, that’s MY morning!! How’s yours been?
Did you spend your morning reading this, and laughing at me? Want another laugh? This website is being printed off and sent to inmates here on the row! Friends and enemies alike are laughing right along with you!! More? Okay…….how about the though of my kids being mortified, right now? (Sorry babes……….your father is actually a real human; a “person” like any other!)
I do want to say something here, joking aside about Dr Lee. She is thorough, and a very competent doctor. She is the first doctor, in my 16 years on the row, to have my vital signs taken at every visit, and follows up on everything.
I heard a nurse gossiping about Dr Lee, and how she touches inmates when examining them. The nurse said, “She just doesn’t realize where she is!”
Dr Lee IS a very pretty, exotic looking woman. And, yes, there are inmates who like and want the attention, and there probably are some people (inmates) who may actually be dangerous. However, Dr Lee is the FIRST and ONLY doctor, since Dr, Jaun retired, that treats us as PEOPLE.
It hurt to hear the nurse say that, but (as an inmate) I have to keep my opinion to myself. The nurse IS a nice woman, and always pleasant and kind………and, I never would’ve expected to hear such a judgemental comment from her.
I have a lot of respect for Dr Lee……….and I appreciate her professional attitude, and her personable nature. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I could’ve revealed the nature of my “problem” (Ha! Worry-wart!!) To the previous doctor’s, who made me feel like a piece of human crap! The last permanent doctor’s lack of caring, led to his dismissal, when an inmate died of an infection. That won’t happen with Dr Lee.
I’ve grown up around the medical profession. My grandmother ran a home for the elderly, and my mother, aunt, and everyone else, including me, helped run it on a daily basis. My sister was born with spina bifida, and was paralyzed from the waist down. She spent A LOT of time in hospitals for operation after operation.
My ex wife was in nursing school when I met her, and later worked with terminally ill kids. I use to take my kids there to play with them, and take a teenager named Donny fishing when he was doing good medically. So, I KNOW what a good doctor is, and Dr Lee is a godsend to this institution!!
Well, I have to finish picking up my mess from last night, and get some painting done. I know “Ohio” has sent me some photos for portraits, so I need to paint until mail gets here…..then I’ll do these portraits.
Sept 14th (10.22pm)
I got a ton of mail yesterday………a letter from “BASTON”, and a bunch of envelopes from “Ohio”, all the pages from this website, and the photo for the portrait. I spent last night doing the portrait, and writing “BASTON”.
Got my first “treatment” this morning. (smile) The nurse said, “Here, I’ll be back for it”, and handed me the solution!! (Ha!) No………it didn’t hurt.
I spent my day sleeping!! I went to bed at 1.30am and woke up at 4.30am with fluid in my lungs. Felt like I was drowning. Really need to quit smoking!
The rest of thee day I spent finishing “BASTON’S” letter, and even painted a little flower and bee at the bottom of the last page. Then, I re read all the pages from this website, and correcting things in it. (PROOF READING/EDITING)
I only have the ones up to Sept 4th. Some of the typos are my fault…and some Karen’s. My handwriting can be really bad when I’m writing too fast, and I often write USED to instead of USE TO, and put Z’s and S’s in place of one another, like realised and realized. But, I think you get the gist of what I’m saying.
Soon, probably this weekend, there will be the 21 pages I wrote from the 5th to the 11th on here, and the portrait of Kim Smith. (Boy! If that portrait could TALK!) (Smile)
I didn’t get any mail today, but I still have my hands full with yesterday’s mail anyway.
Well, I’m off to the shower, and then to bed, I need more sleep. But, before I go, I thought of a couple of jokes about warts! You know the “old wives” tale that you can get warts from playing with toads? (smile) Ha! Have you ever heard of licking tree frogs to get high? “I said LICK the frog, Stupid!! **GRIN**
I sure miss my friend that died last year. He would’ve LOVED that joke. We would’ve wrote back and forth with a new joke about the same subject for a long time………thinking of new ones between letters, like, “I’ve heard of horny-toads, but GEEZ!” I once wrote that it looked like I had a parasite on there, and they asked, “Hey baby, you want to suck my tick?” And she wrote back and said, “Quit BUGGING me!” (smile)
Oh, nurse………….I need my mediCAAATION!!! (Yeah, I need professional help!)
‘Night, ya’’ll
Duke.

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