Monday, September 12, 2005

Feeling lonely

September 1st 2005

1.23 PM

Mail will be delivered in an hour or so. I didn’t get any yesterday……..just the receipt for the postage for the letter to Italy.

Besides writing to “Scotland” and “Ohio”, and about John Spirko, I painted a card with daisies and a butterfly….just to fill in my time. My cell is spotless, and after making my bed, dusting, and wiping the floor with a damp cloth, there’s just nothing else to DO! I sure hope I get some mail today.

My little brother has been here for 11 days, and I’ve yet to talk to him. I have no idea where he is or where he is staying.
I’ll leave this letter open and write throughout the day. I’m going to read for a while until mail gets here.

6.15pm. No mail, just a cash slip to send the letters from 29th August and 31st to Scotland.
Went to rec only to find “Ohio” not home and Scotland’s line was busy. (already engaged), so I didn’t get to talk to anyone today.

Just one of those days when I feel alone.

So I sat and played cards today, and won again………….and STILL would rather get mail than play cards.

I don’t know what to do for the rest of the night.

Today was the 2nd day of the hearings being held to decide if the Ohio Department of Corrections can send us to the Super maximum prison in Youngstown, Ohio. The prison is called O.S.P. (Ohio State Penitentiary)
It is the most inhumane prison in Ohio……….on the scale of Pelican Bay but not as bad as that.

Its my understanding that the Ohio dept of corrections has a back up plan, and if they are told that they cant send us to O.S.P. they plan on moving us to Toledo.
Either place is too far for OHIO to come visit me, so I guess that will be the next thing prison takes from me.

I could really use a break from all of this B.S. (*sigh*)

You ever wish you mattered, to just one person, more than anything else the world has to offer? Yeah……..me too. I think I was born 30-40 years too late. Does anyone still believe in an abiding love that lasts forever? I understand that I can’t expect someone to lock their heart up in prison with me for the rest of their life, or for the rest of my life (if I am executed).
But, it’s still not something I can give up hope of having. And, yeah, that’s MY selfishness showing……….but, who doesn’t want “happily ever after?”
Hell I just want “ever after” (Smile)
Love endures all kinds of disappointments, heartaches and tragedies.
Love is what we’re here for……what is life without it?

I don’t know…………..I think I’ve probably seen the last time I’ll ever feel that way. Not because I don’t want to, but because the kind of love I’m looking for in a woman just isn’t often found by a death row inmate. I suppose I’ll have to get by on friendship.

I’m going to look for a poem I wrote for my family and friends, and end tonight's letter with it.

But, before I go, if you’re in love with someone, and you don’t say, “I love you” or how grateful you are and how much you appreciate that person, take a moment to think what life would be like without them, then go sit down with them, and let them know what they mean to you.

Goodnight!


Apologies and Forgiveness.
Written in 2000 or 2001.

I apologize for locking a part of you up in prison with me.
How selfish can I be.
Loving me is a painful thing.
I’m a lost cause that will take your hope, heart and mind to the grave.
I will bury your love with me.

I apologize for loving you, and making you see who I am, on my way out of this world.
I make you see how unfair the world can be. I am selfish that way.

I apologize for all the times you’ll think of me when I am gone. I am sorry for all the pain, and for the tears, yet to come.
For that, I am truly sorry.
By the way, I also forgive you for loving me, and making me feel guilty because of it.

Before, Now and Always.

1 Comments:

Blogger A PRISONERS FATHER said...

The test to become a prison guard at the O. S. P. just east of Youngstown Ohio must be the least difficult civil-service exam. how else could a prison be run like a S.N.L. skit. To punish the inmates even more the families are subjected to the highest form of stupid rule changes that someone can imagine. You now have to phone to make an appointment to visit, sounds easy; only trouble no one will answer the phone. when you finally manage to make one , and drive sometime over a hundred miles your told they have no record what do you do. go ahead complain. A C.O. will tell you that its the inmates fault because all inmates are guilty or they would not be at ohio pen. All inmates and their families are treated the same.

3:30 PM  

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